“I think about dying but I dont want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.” – Matt Healy

Nothing

22/02/2016

I need these feelings to escape my soul, but how do I write about them? I have no idea. My head is pounding with the voices inside. Today I felt homesick for the very first time. It’s a strange feeling of impotence towards everything. There’s not much you can do. You’re in an unknown city surrounded by strangers. The fear of not having control over anything is taking over me. I don’t know what will happen next, how shittier might things get. I’m alone in this place, surrounded by millions of masses but still lonely. And what to expect from others? Nothing. That’s the best answer. A hug, reassuring smile? Nothing! You’re not suppose to expect anything, because you’ll end up more disappointed. 

I’m waiting for the day these feelings disappear, it might be tomorrow or the day after that. I just wish with all in me they go away, so I can have some peace of mind. 

To be anxious

19/02/2016

Shaking uncontrollably because of fucking anxiety, hardly breathing and racing thoughts that make you want to slap yourself across the face too many times.
“Stop it!” I want to yell at myself, but can’t because my voice trembles.

“Please, stop it.” I say to no one in particular, pleading for some rest. For my thoughts to be quite just for one second.

When I finally calm down everything is blurry, my mind can’t concentrate, it needs to be shut down. Reset. Another day. Everything will be better. That’s what I tell myself every fucking time. But to be anxious…to have fucking anxiety… I don’t wish it upon anyone.

But let me assure you, everything WILL be better. Even when it doesn’t feel like it will.