Solitude and loneliness

This is a thank you note to a couple of people, who might have no idea how much their presence helps me. 
Loneliness is an ugly thing. I’ve been sleeping in a friend’s room for almost a week. I’m very grateful for this, he might not even notice, but to me it’s a big caring gesture. It makes me happy, which I haven’t been in a while. I’ve come to notice that I’m feeling lonely, which is extremely different from being alone. I’ve been surrounding myself with people; people who seem to love me, they seem to care. But I still feel it, loneliness. This hasn’t happened in over 4 years, it’s hard to go back into the same spot I was. There are people whose company, as silent it may be, give me a great comfort. Loneliness goes away for a moment. They make my heart happy, and I thank them for that. 

I’ve learned to be alone my whole life. There’s nothing wrong with that. It is actually nice; solitude is very freeing and somewhat comfortable. It is enjoying your own company and the beauty that silence can be. I’m trying to get back to that point. It isn’t as easy as I’d like, but nothing ever is. At the end of the day I just tell myself everything’s going to be fine, because it will. Nothing ever lasts, and for once that ain’t such a bad thing. 

Nothing

22/02/2016

I need these feelings to escape my soul, but how do I write about them? I have no idea. My head is pounding with the voices inside. Today I felt homesick for the very first time. It’s a strange feeling of impotence towards everything. There’s not much you can do. You’re in an unknown city surrounded by strangers. The fear of not having control over anything is taking over me. I don’t know what will happen next, how shittier might things get. I’m alone in this place, surrounded by millions of masses but still lonely. And what to expect from others? Nothing. That’s the best answer. A hug, reassuring smile? Nothing! You’re not suppose to expect anything, because you’ll end up more disappointed. 

I’m waiting for the day these feelings disappear, it might be tomorrow or the day after that. I just wish with all in me they go away, so I can have some peace of mind. 

To be anxious

19/02/2016

Shaking uncontrollably because of fucking anxiety, hardly breathing and racing thoughts that make you want to slap yourself across the face too many times.
“Stop it!” I want to yell at myself, but can’t because my voice trembles.

“Please, stop it.” I say to no one in particular, pleading for some rest. For my thoughts to be quite just for one second.

When I finally calm down everything is blurry, my mind can’t concentrate, it needs to be shut down. Reset. Another day. Everything will be better. That’s what I tell myself every fucking time. But to be anxious…to have fucking anxiety… I don’t wish it upon anyone.

But let me assure you, everything WILL be better. Even when it doesn’t feel like it will.

I’m S C R E W E D

14/12/2015

“Well, well…look who’s back. The writer who doesn’t write.” they said indignantly as she posted on her social platform. “Apologizing for leaving us here, with an insatiable expectance of what’s next. Huh! Unforgivable.”

“I beg your pardon, my lords! Please forgive my lack of commitment!” she admitted with sorrow.

“She most learn her lesson!” someone yelled.

“She most be punished!” another complained.

“Cut her hands!” everyone demanded. “So she’ll respect the right of actually writing.”

“No!” she begged “Please, no!”

 

Okay… very dramatic. Please don’t cut my hands, haha. I apologize (as I’ve done thousands of times before) for the lack of posting. I hope you’d like my small representation of an apology.

Now! Back to my life… as I’m what matters here (jk). I’m screwed! Totally, totally screwed. Because I just found out that I have exactly 3 days and 2 nights to write a proper novel sample for me to send as an audition into a Creative Writing Program, which I’ve always wish to be in.

I know what your wondering… “But Sam, if you’re a writer, shouldn’t you have an old writing piece you can send?” Well let me tell you, my dear social platform audience, that the first line of the fictitious conversation in the beginning it’s true. I’m a writer who doesn’t write…as much as I’d like to. Yes, an atrocious truth. So, as I’ve said before… I’m screwed!

You’ll wonder, what am I doing here? Writing about this big-ass problem, and not a novel sample. Well, I was writing, but nothing seemed good enough. Lack of confidence in novel writing maybe.

I know what you’ll say, “Don’t give up! Keep on going! It’s your long time dream!”. Those are actually words from me to me, but I receive whatever positive thoughts you have for me as well.

As I’ve been saying…I’m screwed. And empty of words. So, I’ll try and update you on what happends.

Love Always, Sam.

every seven years…

18/10/15

It is said that every seven years a human is entirely different from whom he was, because cells are in constant renewal. Our skin cells, our blood cells, everything renews constantly. Our entire body regenerates through time and seven years later it is a different self than what it was.

A week ago I had the opportunity to go on a day trip with my family; we visited the town I was born in, and where I spent most of my childhood summer and winter vacations. It’s a place filled with memories, mostly of my grandmas house. It is very different from the city I live and grew up in. It is calm, liberating, noiseless…

Before leaving this memory lane we decided to go to an ice cream place I hadn’t visited since I was ten. I remembered my favorite ice cream flavor from that exact place, and so as a usual I asked for it. I can’t even explain how horrible it was. Maybe the ice cream wasn’t the same that it was back in the old days, or maybe I was the one who had changed.

What I realized in that moment is that not only do our physical appearance changes through time, we in a whole do too. We change every day. Our points of view, perspectives, beliefs; they grow, decrease or simply become something entirely different. We become a different person through time, and some of us are afraid of that because we think change is wrong, that we’re not staying true to ourselves. We idealize staying the same forever… innocent, young, beautiful; but things are not that way.

At the end, we decide who we become. We cannot avoid change, we cannot avoid realizing how the world really is, we cannot avoid life. But we surely can choose what to be. Change isn’t bad, not if we don’t want it to.

J’adore les étoiles

It’s 6:25 am… (I’ll stop writing for a second to admire the view.)

Have you ever noticed, we create stars on the ground? By we I mean humans, and by stars on the ground I mean city lights. They look like a vague imitation of stars; not as magnificent but surely beautiful. 

I love a sky filled with stars. If someone granted me one impossible wish, I would wish for the sky to be filled with stars every where I went, or for them to appear on specific occasions in my life, to let me know something special is about to happen. 

It’s amazing, isn’t it? How something so distant can be considered so beautiful. Something that eventually becomes space dust is special to some humans. We’ve made out of them a romantical statement, a beauty concept, we’ve admired them for centuries. It’s strangely poetical.

What is it about stars that makes us love them? 

Somewhere, I read that we have most of the components of a star in ourselves, and maybe it’s not true…but what if it is? Then the real stars on the ground are us. Vaguely beautiful, but just as magnificent enough to be something. 

Currently at…

THE BEACH! (insert fist bump)

I very much suck at this regular posting stuff…Apologies will be regular. So yeah, very sorry guys 😥

Moving on! … I have a one week “long” vacation (notice the extreme sarcasm in long), and a sudden plan came up. I took a plane, and then a bus, and now I’m at a friends house on a beach in Mexico! YAY!

These kind of things don’t happen very often. Actually they never happen. This is my first non family vacations, and it makes me very excited. It’s nice to get away from the familiarity of things for a while. There’s no big or deep meaning in this post, I’m just updating and writing for my own sake. Letting you all know I’m still alive; and when an epiphany comes to me, you’ll be the firsts ones to hear about it.

Remember to take a deep breath and enjoy life, even if it’s just for a second. Love Always, Sam.

A little piece of my writing…

And that’s how she knew. Abandoned in that little old library. 

She looked down at the words scribbled on the book she was holding, thinking that if he actually liked her, he wouldn’t have left. It was all a fantasy, a fantasy she created herself. And she wasn’t mad, she was sad; having constructed all this idea of a perfect person that didn’t exist. She was sad, for how perfect it all had seemed, and how untruthful it was. She looked back at him, already walking away, and she smiled to herself, thinking…“Well, finally everything is going back to normal”.

Glorious Donut

07/07/2015

I’ve had a bunch of epiphanies lately! So let me start telling you that YES, I’ve started exercising a couple of weeks ago (four, if I’m not wrong). My brother was the one who encouraged me, (and my classmate who insinuated I was gaining weight… And myself too), he started doing cross-fit about 5 months ago; he lost weight, shaped himself, and gained a better mood.

Now, I’ve heard from other mouths that exercising helps lower anxiety and depression, and since I have both I thought “What the hell, let’s give it a try.” At the beginning my goal was to see what happened with my body in 3 months (because that’s how long it took to see a change in my brothers body). I go 6 days a week, and eat like I normally do; cereal at breakfast, a not heavy meal and occasionally a low dinner like cookies or quesadillas. 

I know that part of losing weight is not only exercising but having a good diet. I’m not good at either of those, and since I chose exercising, I just try and choose wisely what I eat. Sometimes I feel guilty for eating too much, having a candy, or a sugary treat. But yesterday I had an epiphany, which I’d like to call a “glorious donut epiphany”. Why? Because I was doing my grocerie shopping, when I spotted a donut and decided to eat it. It was glorious! A glorious donut. And while I was chewing that donut and enjoying the moment, my mind said something like this: 

“Who cares about being skinny? What I need to be is happy…and love my body.” 

Since I started exercising, I’ve felt more loving towards myself. Somehow, even though my body hasn’t changed, I’m more accepting of it; I feel like I’m doing it good. I’m writing this while eating one of my favorite cereals; a very sugary one! But I’m also thinking my goal has changed. I don’t need to be skinny to be happy, I need to love my body and care for it. 

So yes, I’ll continue to eat donuts…occasionally of course! And treat myself once in a while. But I’ll also continue in this crazy journey, of loving myself just as I am. 

High standards

02/07/2015

Hello! You might have noticed I haven’t posted anything since a while back, (if you didn’t noticed, it’s okay. I know I’m not that important). My deepest and sincerest apologies. I could give you a thousand reasons of why haven’t I’ve been up to this, but they all sound like excuses, so I’ll just skip that. 

Anyway, I’m here and now; writing to you about an epiphany I had about less than an hour ago. 

While I was at the gym, (yes! There’s been a few changes I’ve made. Exciting ones!) jumping on top of a really small box (the smallest there was), I started thinking:

“Maybe I could jump on another box, a not so small one.” 

I gave it a try, and mid way through the jumping I decided it was a bad idea, and that I couldn’t; and so I went back to the small box. Few seconds after this I realized it wasn’t that I couldn’t, but that I was scared. Maybe also that I wasn’t ready to jump on another level of box; because honestly, even though the other box didn’t seemed so big, my jump wasn’t very high. 

Somehow all this made me think about my standards, and I felt bad for thinking maybe my standards were as small as the box I was jumping on. But I know myself very well, and I knew that was complete bullshit. Because, to be honest, comparing all the sizes of boxes, my standards are the highest. And that made me feel even worst, because if my standards are so high, why am I jumping on the smallest box? 

Maybe I’m not ready, maybe I’m just scared, or maybe I just need some more time. But maybe if I keep waiting for time to come, it won’t! And that’s the truth about it all. We are never ready, or we don’t feel like we are; we are always scared, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is letting fear stop you from reaching your standards. And sometimes you may feel, your standards are too high, too unrealistic, too impossible. But let’s  think about it…your standards are never unrealistic, but if you want to reach them, you have to work for them. 

It isn’t simple, but it is what we want.