Glorious Donut

07/07/2015

I’ve had a bunch of epiphanies lately! So let me start telling you that YES, I’ve started exercising a couple of weeks ago (four, if I’m not wrong). My brother was the one who encouraged me, (and my classmate who insinuated I was gaining weight… And myself too), he started doing cross-fit about 5 months ago; he lost weight, shaped himself, and gained a better mood.

Now, I’ve heard from other mouths that exercising helps lower anxiety and depression, and since I have both I thought “What the hell, let’s give it a try.” At the beginning my goal was to see what happened with my body in 3 months (because that’s how long it took to see a change in my brothers body). I go 6 days a week, and eat like I normally do; cereal at breakfast, a not heavy meal and occasionally a low dinner like cookies or quesadillas. 

I know that part of losing weight is not only exercising but having a good diet. I’m not good at either of those, and since I chose exercising, I just try and choose wisely what I eat. Sometimes I feel guilty for eating too much, having a candy, or a sugary treat. But yesterday I had an epiphany, which I’d like to call a “glorious donut epiphany”. Why? Because I was doing my grocerie shopping, when I spotted a donut and decided to eat it. It was glorious! A glorious donut. And while I was chewing that donut and enjoying the moment, my mind said something like this: 

“Who cares about being skinny? What I need to be is happy…and love my body.” 

Since I started exercising, I’ve felt more loving towards myself. Somehow, even though my body hasn’t changed, I’m more accepting of it; I feel like I’m doing it good. I’m writing this while eating one of my favorite cereals; a very sugary one! But I’m also thinking my goal has changed. I don’t need to be skinny to be happy, I need to love my body and care for it. 

So yes, I’ll continue to eat donuts…occasionally of course! And treat myself once in a while. But I’ll also continue in this crazy journey, of loving myself just as I am. 

Am I fat?

22/05/2015

Sorry I haven’t posted anything lately. I recently went back to college after my 2 weeks (that I can barely call a vacation) of rest. Nevertheless, I am here and something is bothering my head.

Yesterday began like any other day. I got into my classes, hanged out with my friends, got my train of thought lost in the clouds above me; normal everyday stuff, until… (dramatic music) a friend and classmate of mine approached me. He reminded me about a trip we had taken a year before with other classmates, for school purposes. Then told me he had been looking at pictures of the said trip…

Now, let’s make a pause to evaluate. You (or anyone) might believe human intelligence is evolving through time, right? That men and women have learned of their mistakes, that stories about how to treat each individual have become regular so mistakes won’t repeat themselves. Well, not to sound like a men-hater, but HOW STUPID CAN A GUY BE to tell me I’ve gained weight since that fucking picture was taken. Yes? No? I don’t fucking know? I understand sometimes people tend to tell the truth, and truth (even when it’s uncomfortable) it’s freedom, right? But to tell something (even as a joke) just to tease me a little, regarding my weight, it’s stupid and annoying.

Maybe I’m over reacting. But somehow, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve felt like my self-esteem is slowly exploding in little bubbles of thought around me, saying “you’re not pretty enough” or “you look fat” and “nothing fits you anymore”. And yes, all of this is because of physical appearance; and yes! Maybe I could do more about it. But is it so hard for people to know better than calling others in what they feel insecure about? I guess at the end of it all, it isn’t so much about my weight, but rather my confidence and self-esteem.

To anyone who feels or has felt this way before. You’re beautiful don’t let your mind take that away from you.

Love always, Sam.