Solitude and loneliness

This is a thank you note to a couple of people, who might have no idea how much their presence helps me. 
Loneliness is an ugly thing. I’ve been sleeping in a friend’s room for almost a week. I’m very grateful for this, he might not even notice, but to me it’s a big caring gesture. It makes me happy, which I haven’t been in a while. I’ve come to notice that I’m feeling lonely, which is extremely different from being alone. I’ve been surrounding myself with people; people who seem to love me, they seem to care. But I still feel it, loneliness. This hasn’t happened in over 4 years, it’s hard to go back into the same spot I was. There are people whose company, as silent it may be, give me a great comfort. Loneliness goes away for a moment. They make my heart happy, and I thank them for that. 

I’ve learned to be alone my whole life. There’s nothing wrong with that. It is actually nice; solitude is very freeing and somewhat comfortable. It is enjoying your own company and the beauty that silence can be. I’m trying to get back to that point. It isn’t as easy as I’d like, but nothing ever is. At the end of the day I just tell myself everything’s going to be fine, because it will. Nothing ever lasts, and for once that ain’t such a bad thing. 

Nothing

22/02/2016

I need these feelings to escape my soul, but how do I write about them? I have no idea. My head is pounding with the voices inside. Today I felt homesick for the very first time. It’s a strange feeling of impotence towards everything. There’s not much you can do. You’re in an unknown city surrounded by strangers. The fear of not having control over anything is taking over me. I don’t know what will happen next, how shittier might things get. I’m alone in this place, surrounded by millions of masses but still lonely. And what to expect from others? Nothing. That’s the best answer. A hug, reassuring smile? Nothing! You’re not suppose to expect anything, because you’ll end up more disappointed. 

I’m waiting for the day these feelings disappear, it might be tomorrow or the day after that. I just wish with all in me they go away, so I can have some peace of mind.